.wandering.child.

2010-11-06T14:48:00.002+08:00

why hello there; we meet. again.

i have not updated here since i started recording my muse on LJ and the other few journals i had. but once in a while, it is nice to come back to where it all begins and look at myself.

in retrospect, i guess it's only fair to say i've grown and moved on.

but i guess i'm pretty much the same jessamyn, aik yong... however you read me.

i still like mint ice cream. i still love cuddling my toys to sleep. i still enjoy snuggling in bed on saturdays and sundays. i still hear music in my head, and try to score them. i still write silly love letters and notes and journals for my man. i still chew up my pencils pretty badly when i'm nervous and complain, whine... whatever you call it. i still fall in love, fight temptations, dream, laugh and cry.

i'm every bit that same girl from years ago. and yet, some things left, and i'm never exactly the same as before.

2010-02-18T10:44:00.002+08:00

I thought about this recently, because I wonder what it will be like to go away on my own.

I had never had an adventurous streak. I confess -- no matter how "gutsy" some people might think me, I'm really a timid mouse and I tend to run away from things. While I enjoy much of my work, I sometimes think that this is merely a small pan, and there are bigger things out there.

Call me a dreamer. But how can I truly call myself a teacher, if my classroom were to be the rooms here? I have not seen much; there are still mountains to cross, oceans to swim and things yet unseen.

My world is always a safe one, a small one.

I thirst, hearing the travels of my boy and my cousins. I thirst for more, because I realise that the chains that binds me to this place are no one, but my own. I've stopped thinking that my life is restricted by the bond I serve -- rather, I'm chained because I'm afraid to go out there and live.

I'm young once.

I'm hitting a quarter of a century and there are many things I have not done.

I need to go out there, and live.

They say life begins when we turn 21. I disagree.

Back then, we were immature -- and some ways, we still are.

So let me harness my child-like curiosity once again. And then, I will take nothing with me as I go out there.

2010-02-08T19:56:00.000+08:00

Let me clarify:

No. I'm not shifting my blog somewhere.
No. .remembrant. is not some new blog that charts my personal life.

If it might pleases you, I'm still writing here, ranting about everyday things.
.remembrant. is more like a work, a piece of writing that thrives on inspirations, memories and untold stories. They are not necessary my own, and the writer's voice is somewhat different, even though I might sometimes let my own personal voice and that mixed.

So, please. If you hear unsound rumours, you know those are crazed people talking and I beg them to hold their peace.

2010-02-08T10:08:00.002+08:00

Regretfully, my family is one of those shrinking families. Eventually, CNY will be as good as staying home and watching TV till the set breaks down or something like that.

I miss those times when I was still a kid and everyone was everyone's somebody, and CNY is a time for us to compare the number of red packets and how many families we visited.

Im still alive

2010-01-22T14:00:00.000+08:00

For the lot of you who had been praying fervantly for me to die some mangled death, i bring you the sad news. I'm still alive.

For the longest time, i had resist writing here because the public sphere is a rather sensitive one for me. In any case, i still sometimes feel the urge to be that narcissistic self and scribble something here. So.

My career isn't taking off. I'm dying in the hands of 30 7-year-olds. I feel demented every evening when i get home. And seriously, i don't want to get things done sometimes. But i keep urging myself this is, but, part and parcel of life and i'd better get used to this. Then again, i am frustrated because of the lack of job satisfaction in some areas. I could pretend i don't care. But deep down i do. I'm not seeking for eternal approval, by the way. And certainly, recognition is the last thing on my mind.

So i'm whining. Because i cannot comprehend why i'm run by KPIs and EPMS and the likes.

2010-01-09T00:48:00.003+08:00

I realised I havent posted here in the longest time. Ever since I started work, the inclination to write here was even less because google is such a powerful tool, and the last thing I really want: some nosey people who stumble here.

So, I'm posting on LJ for now. password, please ask ok? :D

2009-10-26T22:56:00.002+08:00

i'm dying to own a pair of Doc. Martens.

baby pink, deep brown or maroon sounds good.

i will pair them with my lolita dresses, tights and cuffs. and probably get a couple of eggs thrown at me.

but hey! if converse goes, why not?

oh. and i'm eyeing rocking horse shoes again. maybe a red pair this time?

2009-09-29T10:52:00.001+08:00

sometimes i think i had made a wrong choice and picked the wrong career from the very start.

but it's the few that makes my time worthwhile.

2009-09-25T14:05:00.000+08:00

i think hawase got somewhat lost along the alantic ocean.

2009-09-23T11:10:00.000+08:00

it's hard when you're in too deep.

i found myself yearning for the most ridiculous things. i'm not that strong after all.

internet meme

2009-09-15T21:56:00.002+08:00

1. I’ve come to realize that my hair:
will reach mid-back if i iron the whole mass flat. unfortunately, i like my curls better!

2. I’ve come to realize that when I talk:
i'm dead good at sporting nonsense and giggling to myself (and everyone will wonder why!)

4. I’ve come to realize that all I really need:
is a whole honeydew (yes, one whole fruit) and i can be happy the whole day!

5. I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost:
a lot of wispy-thin-dunno-what kind of dreams... but that's ok. we lost some, we win some.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when:
people give me the odd eye when i wear "odd" or my frilly dresses. makes me wanna stuff my shoes down their throats or something,

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk:
my yak button will be on level 10... and there's no turning it down!

8. I’ve come to realize that money:
is hard to come by now that i'm working. it's never enough!

9. I’ve come to realize that when I get old:
i just want to fulfil half of the dreams i never did when i was younger... even if it's just experiencing it for a day.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always be:
that girl that walks into things...

11. I’ve come to realize that I have a crush on:
my man. i still get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of him. :)

12. I’ve come to realize that the last time I cried was:
on sunday 13 sept. tried to hold back my tears like 7495879387529846 times, and finally cried out loud when my mommy held my hand and said it's ok to be upset and angry.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone:
is very badly bashed up because i dropped it like some 879584976798342 times.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
*grumblegrumblegrumblegrumble* oh wait. why am i upset??? i'm seeing children today!! :D

15. I’ve come to realize that before I go to sleep at night I:
brush my hair, put away my glasses, snuggle down my warm blankets and comforters, hug my teddy bear and kiss him goodnight. :)

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
ginger cookies. nice nice ginger cookies. yum yum!

17. I’ve come to realize that my life:
is like a major piece of improvised drama... i never know where the story will go!

18. I’ve come to realize that my favourite drink is:
tea... and no sugar please!

19. I’ve come to realize that today:
is a tuesday, and tomorrow is a wednesday. hah... i'm starting to lack imagination nowadays.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight I will:
do exactly the same thing i do everynight -- play DS, watch TV, set my alarm to wake at 3am in the morning, and probably sneak off to eat some midnight snack before going to bed.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow I will:
spend the whole day teaching maths and spend the evening playing monkey with ryan and chloe! XD and i will still watch my TV at night and hear my mom comment how much i look like someone on TV...

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to:
travel -- the maldives, greece, middle east. exotic places pls!!

23. I’ve come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is:
probably some random meme lover

24.I’ve come to realize relationships are:
tough work. it really takes a lot of effort to make something work... and the work is all worth it because the other half is worth all the trouble and sacrifices!

25. I’ve come to realize that love:
is a funny little bubble :)

26. I’ve come to realize my best guy friend(s):
27. I’ve come to realize my best girl friend(s):
hmm... how do i describe them??... even if the dictionary is going to run for millions of pages... i doubt they can never describe my feelings for these special people!!

28. I’ve come to realize food is:
necessary. i have stopped my crazy non-stop snacking... because i just don't have time to enjoy the snacks!!

29: I’ve come to realize that this summer:
passes fast... too fast!

30. I’ve come to realize heartbreak is:
something that will never heal completely. but the pain goes away eventually and numbs overtime, and the memories become a story, a part of our lives.

31. I’ve come to realize that the last person i liked:
taught me a very important lesson in life... a tough and painful lesson, but necessary because i would never understand myself without him.

32.I’ve come to realize that my brothers:
are very creative and funny and i need them in my life because they are people who matter.

33. I’ve come to realize that crying:
is a terrible weapon.

34. I’ve come to realize that death:
is something i do not fully understand.

35. I’ve come to realize that if I’m sick:
i sleep a lot. like a hell lot!

36. I’ve come to realize when I’m bored:
i doodle and make up funny stories in my head.

2009-09-07T10:22:00.000+08:00

Life is cruel.

slowly killing

2009-09-02T10:41:00.002+08:00

it is getting harder for me to go to sleep at night.

just last night, i spent a good 2 or 3 hours staring at the ceiling. i had gone to bed at 11pm and i was still awake at 2am. my body was screaming for rest but the more i willed myself to let go and sleep, the more awake i was.

i don't know what is keeping me up. but i know that if this keeps up, i will break again because my body can no longer go on without that rest it has demanded since the beginning.

2009-08-28T13:06:00.000+08:00

I tried paying my brother $50 to help me do my data entry. He asked for $40 if I let him work from home and $50 if I let him work on site.

I can't possibily let him come into my school so the latter don't count.

Dead good deal.

2009-08-25T14:19:00.002+08:00

I haven't died. I just haven't written much here because I realise the joy of privacy LJ can provide for specific entries.

I really miss that kind of privacy.

2009-08-21T11:05:00.001+08:00

Beth was gorgeous. I didn't get Baby in the end.

Emotionally, this week is a wreck. But that's ok. Things always get better in the end.

2009-08-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

I lied.

I couldn't resist Baby and Beth.

Tomorrow, I'm picking up my dream dress from Beth and the Princess JSK from Baby. Hopefully, my new Hawase will come by the end of this week too so I might wear it on Sat.

2009-08-06T11:09:00.002+08:00

I have reasons to grin continuously this week.

1) Long National Day weekend
2) Dive trip to Tioman with my boy
3) The craziest purchase made at 1 a.m. in the morning resulting in major holes in pocket (thanks Joey!)

I promise, no more crazy things till year end. :D

On another note, dive trip to Redang over Sept weekend (18 - 21 Sept). Takers?

2009-08-02T15:13:00.003+08:00

tomorrow i go dive shop. collect textbook to mug for adv course.

and then there are other stuff.

2009-07-31T20:19:00.002+08:00

my mom finally agreed to the dive trip... and not just any old dive trip but the advance course.

of course, i have to fork the sum myself but that's ok. knowing the fact that i'm going out to sea again is the most exciting thing in the world.

i hope there are spaces available. wish me luck!

2009-07-30T11:53:00.002+08:00

Secret Garden.

Unfortunately for most, this is a friends only journal because I want to keep prying eyes out. You will need an acct to view.

2009-07-30T10:18:00.001+08:00

I will be a good girl so my mommy will let me go diving in Tioman.

:D

Maybe I should print out more information about diving to put her at ease.

*fingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossedfingerscrossed*

2009-07-28T12:46:00.000+08:00

bitch pls.

i needs rant.

2009-07-23T20:05:00.003+08:00

i'm afraid to sleep at night because i worry that if i fall asleep, i might not wake up in time the next day.

each day i feel my body screaming for rest, but when i lay down to sleep, it is another sleepless night. my head is racked with a million things -- things i have not, things i have not done, things i wish i had done, things i wish i had not done... just things. loads of things.

i worry i'm not good enough a teacher to my students.
i worry i'm not good enough for this career i have chosen.

her words still haunt me, and i couldn't shake the thought of failure away from me.

maybe i just don't cut. just this once. just this one thing.

but i have to keep pretending. keep pretending to be this one person i know i'm not in front of some people around me.

2009-07-20T20:13:00.002+08:00

i realise work has a way of sucking us in, and leave us with nothing after a while.

each day deals with the mundane -- to be honest, sometimes i found myself yearning for my school days where a little bit of unexpected can be expected.

it also came to me that being in the public service has its pros and cons... but what is getting to me the most is the right to my own thoughts. blogging has placed me under scrutiny. i no longer find myself wanting to write about the small things in life because i never know who is reading and what is being read.

my life here has not expired however.

i still write. choice has become one important thing now.

so for the few people in my life, i invite you to my private portal, lock and hidden away from prying eyes.

2009-07-12T19:16:00.000+08:00

i can't stop smiling. :)

life cannot get any better.

It doesn't hurt to try something new!

2009-07-03T23:34:00.000+08:00

I'm writing this post on my phone's browser. If anyone is wondering, i'm still using my sony ericsson and not some fanciful gadget.

2009-06-30T20:16:00.002+08:00

i realised sch has a way of sucking me right in. i'm leaving my house every morning around 6am every morning so that i can reach sch at 6:45am.

by the time the day ends and i'm ready to go home, it's around 4pm, 5pm... or sometimes even later. or better yet, sometimes i'm still not ready to go but i'm making myself leave anyway because work is never ending.

it makes me wonder. is this one of the reasons why some teachers lose their ideals? i can't afford to let that happen. i must stay true to what i believe in, and what i want to do and achieve.

i must.

2009-06-28T18:14:00.000+08:00

i never thought jazz needs to do so much stretching and kicks. breaking down to details was fun -- i had a pretty good time although i must admit, my legs get tired fast because i'm not conditioned enough.

ballet was something else. i'm struggling with the jumps. need work. i need work!!

2009-06-26T01:47:00.000+08:00

baby step to a diploma in fine arts. :D

jazz and ballet on sunday. tiara got interested. w00!~

2009-06-24T08:11:00.002+08:00

i need to go shopping!

my workstation is currently bare and waiting for me to spruce it up.

i'm thinking of putting a picture frame (CH!! help me choose a pic!) and a doll on my desk, in addition to my money plant. not growing orchids le, cos i realised it needs a lot of attention and i'm lazy. money plant -- FUSS FREE!

i'm not going all out to have this chic and happy table though. it's a WORKSTATION, hello. :D

joey on CH

2009-06-23T16:50:00.001+08:00

a little msn convo with my babe. i was telling her about me trying to guess when my boy is coming back. and somewhere down the convo:

ᅣĴöŹᅧ says (4:52 PM):
*otherwise i'll kick his butt for u
jess. says (4:53 PM):
*hahaha
*i'll let him know
*:)
ᅣĴöŹᅧ says (4:53 PM):
*tell him to hurl his sorry arse back here now!
*:P
jess. says (4:55 PM):
*hahahaha

2009-06-21T13:06:00.002+08:00

evil meets pink.

i want this cos it's pink, and not because it's got a mouth-less cat.

itchy fingers want to tear apart my new baby maverick and do mods. but the thing is ms. transparent costs a lot more than the original, so it's probably more worth it if i buy another maverick (in its orange, yellow and black) and then mod the hell out of it, plus painting. >.<

i'm so in love with my guns. i've got 3 now, and i'm dying to get a recon and a vulcan. :D

2009-06-21T10:59:00.000+08:00

another new day tmr.

the only diff is i got to go sch starting next wk.

2009-06-16T20:06:00.001+08:00

i vegetate so much that i have nothing interesting to post. >.>

oh well.

we interrupt this program to bring you a special news update:

2009-06-14T18:59:00.003+08:00

wants to eat hot waffles drenched with maple syrup.

loads of syrup. loads and loads of butter.

and then maybe washed the whole thing down with hot coffee and milk. no sugar cos that will be overkill.

*yumyum*

on another completely unrelated note:

mom gives approval for diving.
condition: my boy must be around. um. that means no tioman until he's back. which is good cos i need to save. i feel rich after getting my pay and i splurged on two dolls and a full set of facial products. >.>

the good news.
i haven't got anything else i want really badly... except maybe a few good movies and drinks with old friends.

the bad news.
hols ending in a wk's time. fantastic.

"the not really important but i feel like saying it anyway" news:
... um. i forgot. -.-

oh ya. i feel like buying a tea whisk.

stupidity to new levels

2009-06-12T10:49:00.002+08:00

i'm lazy, unmotivated and fat.

2009-06-10T17:31:00.003+08:00

i feel intellectually challenged. how about you?

oh. and trauma center traumatised me. i should stop playing the game because i'll probably die a premature death.

2009-06-10T10:17:00.002+08:00

i needs break :(

paper setting is killing braincells; i'm keeling over from the stress.

2009-06-08T11:39:00.002+08:00

by the end of this wk, i probably have another 2 more poison.

ddung.net is poisonous love.

AHAHAHA!!

someone kill me pls. although i certainly wont mind a new display shelf at home for all my toys. i just did an inventory check. i have a lot of toys... from dolls, to cameras, to children's books, to dunno what else.

when i get my own home, i probably need a walk-in wardrobe.

2009-06-08T00:07:00.003+08:00

i has a new poison.

she's sitting in her box, in my wardrobe.

2009-06-07T12:40:00.001+08:00

when my pay comes, i'm going tioman. XD

hello protected time!

2009-06-04T22:55:00.002+08:00

i'm looking forward to my next two wks... to getting a good rest and recharging, ready for the term.

i'm nervous.

dealing with good students is one thing. dealing with expectations is another.

i understand that i must try my best and do my best to maintain what dominique has achieved during the first half of the year. i do not know if i can live up to that... but knowing that this responsibility is mine alone to bear, i will do whatever i can.

on another note, no dive trip for the wkend of 13 june. i ran out of money. :( i'll see if i can scrap enough together for a trip on 19. but we'll see. we'll see.

2009-06-03T22:59:00.001+08:00

trying out a new feature on msn call windows live writer... hmm...

2009-06-03T22:33:00.001+08:00

for some totally strange reasons, i cant get on msn. :(

2009-06-01T18:02:00.003+08:00

time flies.

i'm counting down to when i can see my boy again.

2009-05-31T23:49:00.002+08:00

i'm contemplating RCIA on tues evening at Church of St Francis of Assisi.

it's only a few stops away. dance can wait.

2009-05-30T01:08:00.001+08:00

i need a new screen protector for my phone.

2009-05-28T20:58:00.000+08:00

report book day for my class. most of them did well.

i have a lot to live up to.

2009-05-27T16:10:00.002+08:00

in the last month i wrote some 10 over letters running for 2 pages at the very least.

they are still seated in my little wooden box where i kept my postcards. perhaps you wonder why they are there, and not on their ways to their intended.

goodmorning angels!

2009-05-26T23:31:00.002+08:00

teaching lower pri has its perks.

2009-05-25T20:06:00.002+08:00

i love dewi's email.

on another note: base on my current timetable, i'll be teaching primary 2 english, math, PE(!!!!), primary 5 health ed, primary 3 social studies, primary 4 art(!!!!).

i think i will be having an awesome year with both art and PE.

icraveforyourvoiceandyourstronghugs.whereareyou?

2009-05-24T22:27:00.002+08:00

the show was fantastic until some students from A Certain JC broke out of role during the performance.

quite disappointing if you ask me.

there we were parading, being in character... and then some idiots started chatting with the people they knew around them.

sigh. i guess divas will always remain divas.

on another note, if you're from A Certain JC, pls understand that this post is targeted at the children doing theatre studies.

Fashion of the Future

2009-05-22T23:13:00.004+08:00

yes.

some shameless publicity for my debut at Esplanade. plus, i'm darn proud of the costume i made.

so.

Fashion of the Future
by Circus Solarus Australia

Where: Waterfront Canopy/ Roving

(We'll end up near the main lobby where leading to the theatre and the concert hall; alternatively, you can just follow our parade around!)

Date and Time: Sunday, 1830-1900 & 2000-2030

It's free anyway, so come by if you have the time! :)

For more details, please visit FLIPSIDE.

2009-05-22T09:36:00.000+08:00

flipside sunday!

2009-05-20T21:21:00.000+08:00

i'm excited.

2009-05-19T22:53:00.003+08:00

i saw ellen's new flat.

heard she's going to have something pretty although right now the place is empty. over dinner, we were discussing about medival themed house and how having a drawbridge and a moat for entrance would actually prevent husbands from sneaking out at night.

good lol.

2009-05-18T23:22:00.002+08:00

a couple mins after i posted...

planning year end trip now. looking for travelmates.

i think going around aussie is a good idea. otherwise, i might just go dubai if i can get 8k together. >.<

2009-05-18T23:18:00.002+08:00

we're doing costume on thurs!~

i'll probably save the plastic bags for my head if they don't kill me.

this is going to be fantastic. i miss performing.

2009-05-17T19:44:00.002+08:00

i ran my comb through my hair and nearly died.

a whole bunch of hair clung and wrapped themselves onto the teeth.

:(

2009-05-15T18:14:00.002+08:00

i has insane cravings.

devoured 2 slices of bread at 9am this morning. had noodles during the tea break. 5 mins after we were seated back in the talk, i told elfeeza i felt hungry.

on our way back, i suddenly decided that katong laksa probably will taste good, and i wanted burger king as well. that was around noon.

by the time i got home, i decided to get macs. :X

and yes. today i feel fat. i refused to look at myself in the mirror.

it must be PMS.

i guess this is called binge drinking

2009-05-15T02:03:00.002+08:00

so yesterday i downed a pint of beer in record time and nearly ended up spending the night at the bus stop. i actually walked into a lamp post and said sorry to it -- that's how bad it was, but at least the high wore off after a min.

and then just now, my girls and me headed down to dbl-o for another drinking session, and some hardcore groovinggggggggggg... we had a good time burning up the dance floor on our own (imagine the whole place to us) and had some serious fun.

a couple of morons tried to hit on us.

i gave them the best ego bashing EVER. >.<

and yes, they had awful pick up line: "good choice of drinks."

yes yes... be thankful i didn't pour it down your shirt.

blonde moment... again

2009-05-13T00:47:00.002+08:00

after today's class, i'm convinced i shouldn't take up driving.

i took a minute to figure out my left and my right.

2009-05-11T15:34:00.002+08:00

i feel better already.

thanks babes :)

anyway, anyone know where i can get FFX-2 roms? i've got the emu on my laptop, and i'm running out of games to play (aliens mashing on metal slug was getting boring after a while, and i refuse to play fatal frames on my own).

i could easily pop my FFX-2 cd into my ps2 at home, but i can't remember where i threw my cd, so yea...

2009-05-10T20:54:00.003+08:00

i hate it when my dad gets pissed. he takes his anger out on everything and everyone in his way.

and today, he decided to take a gamble on his own life.

he left home without his heart medicine after exploding over a small thing.

by the time i picked up the medicine bottle and ran downstairs, i couldn't find him anywhere. i was terrified and started crying like the little kid i was some many years back, and i didn't want to go home. it didn't matter how many calls i made, or how many smses i sent, my dad refused to answer any of them.

sometimes i wonder why my mom still hang around.

i didn't want to know the truth, but i guess somewhere deep down, i had to face the truth sometime and i asked my mom when everyone finally cooled down. believe me, the truth hurts, but i didn't know what to say.

i love my parents, i love my mom, i love my dad.

the last thing i need now is a separation because everyone would be affected, especially my youngest brother. but if people are going to get hurt, hanging on wasn't going to help -- at least, that is in my own books. maybe after today, everything will go back to normal. but i'm terrified: one day when i'm in my mom's shoes, i would make a decision i might regret.

2009-05-10T13:23:00.003+08:00

i talk. a hell lot.

admittedly, i haven't got an off button on me, but that's ok. i've got understanding friends and i appreciate that. but i realised i never actually talk about how i feel deep down, even with the people closest to me because they somehow know.

i think that's really powerful.

i'm writing this because of a conversation with cherie over dinner the other night, when she asked me the one question i hope she would never ask: "how's things?"

i knew what she meant -- my relationship and the obvious physical distance. i remember growing quiet. to be honest, when that question came, i didn't know what to say. there were too many things. instead i swallowed all down, and merely told her very quietly i miss my man. nothing else were said, but i knew she understood.

i'm beyond the state of resentfulness. how to, when i know that i cannot change some things? i cannot change time, i cannot change the distance, i cannot change anything because i'm not all powerful much as i want to. i cannot change the fact that sometimes the distance feel like an abyss and i couldn't even reach him. i cannot cry out, because it would only make the world thinks that shit is happening, when i'm the silly one who felt all these anguish.

i can only hope. i keep hoping, holding on to my memories and his gifts because they are my only way now to keep him near.

2009-05-09T19:11:00.001+08:00

first NERF war.

tested out my new nite-finder with sonic foam dart. i ended up with a sunburnt back.

lesson: never wear something that's almost backless while playing in the sun.

2009-05-07T23:13:00.000+08:00

the last few days had been trying.

granted that this is my last wk in sch, there's still much to do. the markings were endless due to exams and i'm staying till 6pm almost every day.

on another note, i'm going to miss the sch when i leave.

2009-05-03T18:20:00.004+08:00

i imported all my old entries.

the good news -- they are all in. the bad news, i'm having repeats because of a stupid mistake i made. -.-

i'm amazed at myself sometimes.

anyway, i sometimes do wish that blogspot has some sort of cut like LJ and WP, and that i can mask certain entries i don't want the world to see.

on another note, i started chewing out a fingernail. :X not a good sign. i must be nervous. FF isn't that stressful; it must be something else.

2009-05-03T16:00:00.002+08:00

i'm addicted to final fantasy.

FFIII on DS

FFIV on DS

tell me, how not to love it? :x

2009-05-02T23:22:00.002+08:00

no. i have not died yet. the wk had been a busy one. i was determined that i was going to finish everything and hand them over to my CTs before the wk was over. technically, i managed that without dying. but there are trade-offs such as time.

in any case...

i haven't hit any clubs as i said i would. the reason being i actually found excuses NOT to head to the clubs.

be surprise everyone.

that's how far jess had come.

from the insane party animal with a wild streak (and doing a million and one things i would never dreamt of doing), who clubs as long as the clubs are opened, to someone who clubs once a wk... before slowly dwindling down to once a month and then none. i found new games to play, new people to meet, and more importantly, meaning in life i would never have found if it weren't for some people i met.

i guess somewhere in our life we need to grow up.

partying had been fun. now it's serious work, and i would never dream of going back to that life i used to live. i had changed much over the years. lost myself along the way, and found something back.

on another note, when i was younger, i would never dream that the day would come when one day i would sit at the same table as my aunts and uncles, cracking jokes, talking and debating about adult things and sharing opinions. they saw me grow up as a naive child, and in many ways i'm glad.

2009-04-27T19:31:00.001+08:00

apparently, the high from the p5 camp has yet to wear out for my class.

imagine trying to teach them while they are still singing campfire songs. -.-

and one of the kids invented a new move i called the middle finger dance. he was happily waving his two middle fingers in my classroom, in full view. i watched for a good 5 mins, and then announced to the class. needless to say, middle finger dance didn't go the way he wanted to and he ended up with me after school.

i wonder what kids have been doing nowadays. :X

早知今人、何必当初？

2009-04-25T14:53:00.001+08:00

i'm critical yes. but for a very good reason:

my home is not a warehouse. neither is my aunt's.

2009-04-25T00:10:00.000+08:00

imissmyboy :(

2009-04-23T20:59:00.002+08:00

on another note:

ok. so you replied the LJ comment after like a month.

but still, you have not answered my question.

2009-04-23T20:51:00.002+08:00

killed off 3 observations today. the most i had in a long while and it's mentally and physically taxing. as always, murphy's law applies.

in english, the kids don't get modals, so i cleaned off everything i planned and start from scratch.

in music, the computer had no blardy internet access and it was working ok the last time i checked -- which was yesterday.

i guess:

1) one can't expect everything to go according to plans.
2) one can't expect technology to fail us in the last moment.

i'm glad. it's over. pass, fail -- i'm beyond that. i know i've done my best and the only thing i do now is wait. hopefully there is no moderation (because moderation means i'm getting either a distinction or i'm failing terribly although currently the latter seems more plausible), and hopefully by next wk i can finish handing over.

time to rest babe. time to rest.

2009-04-22T13:39:00.000+08:00

if you're 12 and you're reading this, please grow up and stop acting like your shoe size.

the lost opportunities

2009-04-19T20:11:00.002+08:00

i sometimes wonder if things would have been different.

what if i had decided to go in NAFA right after O lvls?
what if i had taken the IT course at ngee ann instead of going to pjc?
what if i had joined SIA right after my A lvls?
what if i had taken the lit degree offered in ntu instead of going into nie?
what if i never told my ex i liked him?
what if i had rejected some of the people i was dating then?

a lot of what ifs... i realised.

i thought about it because of a conversation with a friend today. and then i realised that perhaps one of my greatest vice was keeping what i thought to myself. i lost much opportunities, but then again, things couldn't have changed much. it's true -- i probably would find it hard to give up everything i had here at a single notice and just moved away.

but still, knowing that we once had was better than none.

and i'm still grateful for you in my life.

i'm one haughty cat

2009-04-19T12:28:00.003+08:00

enough said.

2009-04-18T16:00:00.002+08:00

officially voiceless.

absolutely clueless.

2009-04-17T19:42:00.000+08:00

those tears, i swallow.

2009-04-16T19:57:00.001+08:00

sometimes kids amuse me.

on a completely different note, i nearly died with joy when i opened my mailbox today. funnily though, my phone bill has yet to come in.

2009-04-16T05:11:00.003+08:00

Great.

Sup is coming in for surprise visit, and I'm sick, leaving much less than for any actual preparation.

If this is not trouble, I don't know what it is called.

2009-04-14T23:16:00.000+08:00

red ink flows.

like blood, it flows.

2009-04-14T05:18:00.002+08:00

ihabourvengefulthoughtstowardssomepeopleandihatehoweverythingis.

maybe i'm thinking too much

2009-04-13T21:58:00.008+08:00

< MEGA RANT >

immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
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immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster

:(

it eats me up. it always do.

immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
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immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
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immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster
immajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonsterimmajealousmonster

< /MEGA RANT >

and yes.

I HATE CERTAIN GIRLS. PERIOD.

don't tell me this is childish. in my current state, you know i don't take certain things well, and critic is one.

2009-04-13T21:34:00.001+08:00

one thing about teaching: never assume.

the kids don't talk, but never assume.

i went into class going through the concept of mixed numbers and improper fractions in the morning. the class responded and said ok. so with that thought, i jumped straight into my observation thinking that they got the concept and they can remember the concept.

guess what?

none did.

sometimes i wonder if teachers were this exasperated teaching us when we were kids.

2009-04-12T20:06:00.001+08:00

i question my ability to function as a normal human being.

as of this afternoon, i entertained nothing but random thoughts... the most ridiculous of the lot:

i would like to get a pet ferret because they lack commonsense.

hell no. that's one warped thought that seriously lack commonsense.

2009-04-12T14:33:00.004+08:00

yes. it's the glaring distance that's driving me mad.

but what can i do about that?

still, this is the least of my worries.

on another note.

my frustration with general things are running high. i never thought i would find myself questioning this path i had taken. was i wrong all these while? i'm bounded to a bond and i cannot break free. it's too costly -- too much at stake. if i regret my decision, i still have to push through anyway.

i'm lost. but i know what i want at the end of the day.

i still have not forgotten my dreams. i want to go far. but it takes two hands to clap. i'm doing my part now.

students. are you?

2009-04-11T20:13:00.003+08:00

cats was enjoyable. but i think it lacks some form of interpretation.

pet peeves for today:

1) i cannot understand why some people must stop immediately after stepping off an escalator. annoyingly, there ARE people behind. um, hello. if you haven't realised, the escalator doesn't stop after you stepped off.

2) certain audience in cats insisted on touching the actors and performers. for goodness sake, they aren't freaks. they are actors, and they are in a performance. touching them is as good as distracting their performance. how do you like it if you were doing something and someone comes up and just touches you like you're some freakshow?

yes. i think singaporeans aren't good audience in a show. period.

eat your heart out d&l!

2009-04-10T20:53:00.002+08:00

i'm happy... are you?

now that life has served you a slice of humble pie, what are you going to do?

i feel sorry for you: back then you stood in glory above my broken self.

what about now?

on days like this

2009-04-07T21:13:00.003+08:00

on days like this, one simply wishes to climb somewhere and stay there for a while.
on days like this, one simply wishes for a hot cup of hot chocolate to sooth and calm us down.
on days like this, one could do with a great big hug.
on days like this, one could do with friends that would sit and cry with us.

on days like this, when everything goes wrong, a little smile goes a long way.
on days like this, even the sweetest angel can be a complete monster for that day.

sometimes i wonder why i'm doing this. teaching is a satisfying job. but no one tells you that it can be living hell. for angels to exist, there will always be some monsters, demons out there.

just out there.

2009-04-06T19:34:00.000+08:00

i has a new fringe. it's blunt and mad and i look like someone else.

2009-04-05T01:24:00.004+08:00

i need to stop shopping. :X

shopping and spreeing after getting my pay is one thing. but shopping and spreeing when i'm stressed despite an exploding wardrobe and almost empty bank acct -- now that is bad.

let's see the total damages:

2 dresses from MDScollections, 70.80$ (their store is at haji lane and total die for stuff!)

1 dress from Reverie, $26

a pair of shoes, 26$

Grand total: $122.80

that's basically half my tuition fees. haha. i sure know how to save.

i need to put a cap on my spending limit at this rate. and yes, my mom is going to wonder why i have so many parcels again the following week. 300$ is two wks. i'm seriously doing a damn good job at spreeing.

2009-04-04T18:39:00.001+08:00

i'm suddenly sick of parties. the booze, the music. haven't been to one for freaking long; suddenly didn't feel like going.

so if i turn you away, it's nothing to do with the party. it's just me; i'm getting sick of brainless fun.

2009-04-04T00:41:00.002+08:00

loneliness is something i can deal with; i must get used to it.

after all, it isn't too tall an order to think that at this point in time, i had somehow ceased to exist.

yes. i slipped away. disappear. and no one even realises.

waiting is something i've gotten used to. my whole life centers around waits, and missed chances which leads to disappointment. perhaps i should learn to deal with my expectations so that i don't end up feeling miserable.

i'm a fool.

but which girl isn't?

2009-04-03T18:02:00.001+08:00

i miss the piano keys.

2009-04-02T21:07:00.001+08:00

if lies are made of these, i wonder what truths are made of.

on another note, things appear different on the other side. i hope you don't judge.

2009-04-01T20:16:00.001+08:00

i'm at my wits' end.

i don't understand!

2009-03-30T23:12:00.002+08:00

"Jess! You're so lucky you're thin! Can eat so much and not worry!"

usually, i smile or laugh this away.

but it makes me wonder: why the insane obsession about this whole image of thin? is being thin THAT good?

i'll be honest. all i want to do in my entire life is to put on some weight and delve away from the stick thin image the whole world always get from me. in fact, it makes me sad when people actually ask me if i'm suffering from eating disorder because i seem to make a diet of muesli bars, wholemeal bread and cranberries while in school.

but the thing is i DO eat, and i eat a hell lot.

yes. i'm your typical face-stuffing-eat-till-you-cannot-stuff-anymore-and-will-puke-any-moment-garbage-bin-cum-vacuum-cleaner. hell. i eat when i'm happy. i eat when i'm sad. i eat when i'm stressed. go ask my girlfriends and they will tell you how i will happily clean off the plates, and maybe the utensils too.

~~(admittedly, lately i'm not eating as well due to gastric problems (damn you gastric!).)~~

still, i don't get girls and their insane obsession with weight loss regime and programs. why the need for all these? cherie told me it's so that girls can look pretty... but at what cost? i've often seen girls taller than me (i'm a towering 1.58m, lol), wanting to be at MY weight which in case some of you wish to know, usually fluctuates between 42kg and 45kg.

hello world. at MY height, 42kg is as good as underweight. 45kg is just right. so why the hell do people at insane 1.6-something wants to be at my weight?!

is a stick thin image THAT pretty?

i've heard guy friends telling me that they didn't think so.

models portray insane images of our bodies. while i pretty much love ogling at them, they aren't realistic pictures of what we are made of. at the end of the day, we look and feel good not for the people around us but for ourselves. so why put ourselves through all these torture so that we can have the perfect body? there is no such thing as a perfect body, only an ideal that the media shows us.

so girls! get your act together and EAT!

(i'm writing this because i'm seriously annoyed by the number of weight loss ads i'm getting. plus the whole self-image thing amongst girls are getting out of hand, so much as that girls as young as 10 are dieting just because someone makes a comment about fats.

believe me, given a choice, i will gladly pile on fats because being thin isn't that good anyway. plus, what's all this deal?

be confident. love yourself!)