when one has life, one hardly thinks about death. but when death knocks, what will we do?
what happens when we die? do we go into heaven or hell immediately? who judges us? who judges our lives?
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funny how at 3am in the morning i can entertain such thoughts isn't it? i guess sometimes it sucks having an over active mind like mine. and yes, i never stop thinking and pondering.

the truth is i haven't faced death yet. not someone close, not myself. i came close to it; i nearly lost my dad. but even so, it wasn't close enough to make me fear it. but death took away a man a long time ago, and although time has dulled that memory, i cannot deny the regrets and other insane feelings i get when i remember that moment. i wasn't there to see him died, but cancer was painful, and the funeral was painful. i cried a million tears -- not because this is someone remotely related to me. rather, those tears were tears of regret because i never got a chance to tell him how great i thought he was.

but today i wasn't here to remember that particular memory.

i am here thinking about my own death in the future because today's play first light calls into question some things i had been thinking about, but more importantly, draws me back to a fundamental question i never wanted to address because it is of no relevance to me. or, so i thought.

maybe you never gave it thought as well... but...

how do you want to be remembered when you die?

pretty profound eh?

i first heard that question when i was in jc2. at 19 years old, i never gave it serious thought. funny how stuff like that comes back to haunt me again when i'm 23. and it was only 4 or 5 years ago. how far could i had matured then? still, that doesn't mean i'm going to put such thoughts away. life is short. i never know when things happened -- so why not now? moreover, it came to me -- how often had we take our life for granted?? we never told the people around us how much we care. we never told the people around us how impt they are to us. we never learn to treasure the little things around us. we never learn to understand, to slow things down, to appreciate the little things in life because of this insane rat race, this crazy paper chase. so at the end of the day, what makes our life??????

i do not know how i want people to remember when i die. but i know that if one day i can answer this question, i will be able to live my life to the fullest. i will make my existence as meaningful as i can -- not just for myself, but for my loved ones and the people around me. i come into this world with nothing, and one day will leave with nothing. but the memories they linger, and people remember.

perhaps if i composed my own obituary one day, i will understand what my life is meant to be.

but will that be too late then? will i have walk to the end of my life? will i realise the follies i had committed and will the wrongs then be forgiven? will i understand the meaning of my existence?

i cannot tell how my life will run. but i know i can make decisions that can change how my life will run. i cannot find answers to my questions. but someday, one day, i will learn, and i will know.

Labels: death, life, meaning of life