so it came down to this, that perhaps i was never good enough for anyone or anything.

sometimes i wonder why i even bother trying. it's always been like this anyway ... because to you, i'm never good enough for this family. after all, you have your own favourites.

i don't blame you.

i am and never will be in the same league as my cousins. after all, i'm an individual and a dreamer, and i will never learn to conform to what is expected of me. i will always believe in the endless pursuit of what i want, doing things i love, even if, in your eyes, they will amount to nothing.

let's face it. where can i go with my degree? where can i go with theatre, dance and the other things i do? singapore is such a niche place - i will never find a place i can truly call my own. but still, i insist on doing these things .. because i love them, and because i don't see a point in something practical. like engineering, biz and accounting for example.

and you wonder why i never got spaces for these courses almost 3, 4 years back.

no. it wasn't because i'm not good enough for the local schools. i know i'm good. i may not have the same kind of brain power as all my cousins... but i have one thing i believe in strongly - an insane blind faith that had kept me going for so many years. i never believe in doing things because of reputation, or as the chinese say, "face" or all these shit. it's stupid. it's pointless. and it's like one selling their soul away and compromising oneself. why would anyone want to do that?

i refused to. i still refuse.

but i'm losing faith. i'm not that strong. it's hard. i cant continue smiling at the whole world and pretending, because in truth, all these things hurt me a lot more than i'd like anyone to know. because everytime when i'm alone, i thought abt my last 23 years, and i wondered if i were foolish... and i know how much this is getting to me because i asked my mom the other day if she ever regret a daughter like me who cant fucking do anything. i must have hurt my mom a lot when i said that, because she was always reminding me that i'm a hell lot more capable than this world sees me... but i couldn't see myself in that manner anymore. not with you reminding me abt my own foolishness. reminded that i have smart cousins like harry, tsang yew and YC. that i have brothers who are better than me.

my talents are nothing good in this world. dance, theatre, music, spatial visualisation... i cant even keep my things neat and tidy for more than 2 days because i'm just forever lost in my own world.

i'm tired. but still i'm still going on. because i still believe that something good will come out of this. that i will find that place one day. and i know my parents will support me for who i am, and they will never let me fall.

Labels: random

i swear dolfies are the most beautiful creatures in the world. perfectly sculptured, and strangely animated although dead.

funny isn't it?



that's the may doll from bluefairy by the way.



and now the 3 dolls i have been eyeing for the longest time... may, olive and louis, in that order. *sigh*

pls, someone tell me who i should adopt. it pains i can only have one, and i love them all soooooo much!!!

Labels: random

.Run.Collective.Soul.

Are these times contagious
I've never been this bored before
Is this the prize I've waited for
Now as the hours passing
There's nothing left here to mature
I long to find a messenger

Have I got a long way to run
Yeah, I run

Is there a cure among us
From this processed sanity
I weaken with each voice that sings
In this world of purchase
I'm going to buy back memories
To awaken some old qualities

Have I got a long way to run
Yeah, I run

Labels: lyrics, random

i haves new hair! XD

not taking pics yet cos i just messed up the whole bob after my cut. i actually spent the whole afternoon styling and waxing it, but i forgot a while after i was done. ran my entire hand through the bob, and kind of spoilt the whole look. since it's terribly time consuming to re-do the entire look, i just brushed through my hair to get rid of the wax.

grr...

must remember when i put products in hair now.

still trying to get used to the fringe. it's kind of weird at the moment, since i never had a straight blunt fringe since i was 7. anyway, i used this style for inspiration:

she looks so pretty la! of course, the stylist didn't cut exactly the same style. we spoke for a while, i showed her my stash of pics which i downloaded from some webs, and then she showed me some cuts that can work with my face shape and personality. and then we decided to use this pic as our base, while she works something nice for me. :D

I LIKE! *happy*

Labels: random

last year this time, i'm worrying about cheerleading.

this year, this time, i have no idea what i'm worrying about.

but i know i'm worried about a lot of things.

for once, friends never felt more ... more scarce. activities felt endless. i actually dread going to school. yet ... strangers felt strangely familiar and warmer than familiar faces. old friends were founded; life was rebuilt, together with old friendships.

to be honest, i had missed them.

Labels: random