it feels good to get those out of my system. really good.

i think i slept like a pig last night, and for once i could hear my alarm clock (although i still ended up snoozing cos i'm lazy!). again, the hearing part could be due to my last day at work. i feel bad about leaving, especially since there are mountains to do. but i realise there is a limit to what i can do, and what i cannot do.

this realisation came about last night when i dropped by the living room. i had wanted to return my dad his phone, cos his batt was flat (no thanks to my crazy snapping of pics on the phone ... and hence the faster depletion. and no, i wasn't cam-whoringl; i was taking pics of cars in mirrors and windows. quite cool but i got to shop them.)

anyway, i digress. now back to what i was talking about.

when i went down, i saw my mom having tv dinner in front of the tv. my youngest brother was sitting next to her, watching one of those midnight cartoons on cartoon network. from an outsider's point of view, it looks like a nice scene. you know, kid keeping mommy company while she eats. but i knew both my mom and brother well enough and clearly they had had a talk before i came down.

i didn't say much, but left the phone on the coffee table. then i sort of started raiding the fridge (a very bad habit, considering it was after midnight then!) and then, my mom sort of called me over and sat me down. now, usually my mom won't sit me down. we can just hold a convo while doing out stuff and still giggle like school girls. but she sounded pretty serious and except the one time when everyone in my family lost their heads, she never asked me to sit down. so for once, (even though i was dying to get back to my room and crawl under those warm blankets) i sat down and pay attention.

she was quiet. very quiet. and very sombre. her voice was quieter than usual, but i heard every word she said (although i had to yell at my brother to turn down the volume). i heard everything she said, and everything that was unsaid. and i understood her completely and perfectly. there was no need for explanation and reasons. we all saw this coming. we all knew it. it was only a matter of time and all of us saw it. i knew what she wanted, and in some ways, it was a form of - i hate this word, especially since it was my mom and all - begging, on her part. a small request and in that request i saw her fear of rejection from her own kids.

and i truly felt bad.

you see, most of my family members are buddhists. except me, my brothers and my dad. i am hoping to get baptised; my brothers are just finding their way around. stuff around this religious thing is always super tensed in my place, and i feel awful that i had to read my bible in secret sometimes. i hate doing this - especially since i have nothing to hide. but i do have family members who are just stuck in their own set of beliefs and values. i don't blame them. bad memories, bad dramas in the past - especially between my parents and their own parents and a hell lot of other tensions. i used to think that if i were them, i wont react to them the way they did (you know, the idealistic wholly embrace thing) but i realised that if i were them, and had lived their circumstances, chances are, i probably would anyway. (but again, this is for another time.)

so back to my point.

what i was trying to get to with all these narratives was that my mom is planning a prayer session on sat with her siblings and nieces and nephews. and last night she was hoping that i would be there. i could still hear her words right now, and how she told me it was for my dad, just to support him. she could understand if i dont want to - you know all those religion stuff. but she just hoped i would be there.

now, that really got me big time. after all, i always do feel like some ungrateful daughter, doing stuff my way (and usually messing up). but i know i wasn't that bad a daughter. i know my parents are proud to have me as their kid. mentally as she talked (and the silent that followed), i ran through my activities for sat and sort of killed them all off. pushed them away and re-worked my time.

it no longer mattered to me this religious division within my family. it was stupid anyway - after all, like what mr koh said to me back then (and something i hold even now), "one can be spiritual without being religious; and one can be religious without being spiritual." i found that apt, even though i cant explain.

so i'm asking now, does me sitting through a buddhist prayer session (or attending a scripture reading) with my bible and crucifix because i want to do something for my family in my own ways, then, makes me any less christian as some people pointed out to me?

i don't know.

but i know, come sat, i will sit behind everyone and listen. and in my little ways (though it will be different from everyone around me), pray for my dad.

Labels: random

here i am back again. and this time, flying two kites at once.

i'm getting quite obsessive lately about ideas and thoughts - in fact, terribly insecure about them. it egged me big time, and a quick chat with miko had somewhat allow myself to relook at some of the ridiculous things i'd been doing recently.

it was suggested (probably my own head) sometime during my chat with her that my obsessive blogging at the moment was probably due to my severe lack of focus. barely 5 mins into any activity, i'd suddenly thought of something. and because lately i'd been so afraid that i would lose any little moments, so afraid that if i don't do something to all these little memories, i may never find them again. after all, when one has lose too many things and has started believing that she has nothing else to hold on to, things that come along become even more precious than ever. and right now, all these memories are like star dusts, flowing through me.

i am afraid that someone would come along and scatter them away. i am afraid that i would forget them - the thoughts and the moments.

i certainly don't want them to happen.

on to another note.

i'm currently on a stupid roller coaster ride. it sucks big time. you know - the cheap thrill, the twists, the turns, the sudden jerks and lurches, the endless screamings, the laughters, and stupidly, such entertainment makes one sick. not that i'm entertained in this case - because seriously, i am not.

my emotions are taking me for a stupid ride, and i just want to stop. yet, another part of me doesn't want to. stupid, i know. but it happens. and i think i know why it happens even though i hate admiting to myself. but sometimes the thoughts in my head drives me mad and i know that if i don't rant it here or get it out somewhere, i might just attempt to head a wall or something like queen lillian in shrek. and we all know - i won't be humming "my favourite things" like julie andrews did after that attempt. i might just crack my skull or turn stupider or something.

there is a friend.

he is a wonderful friend.

you have no idea how much i appreciate this friend and friends like him. such people are so darn hard to come by, and honestly, i haven't met many people like him and some others in a long time. like what cherie, log and someothers said to me a while back, i haven't met much decent people in this short 22 years and most of the guys i know eventually were just complete jerks. so to know someone different for a change, it really was something to me. if anything, i don't want to lose this.

yet, sometimes i think i'm losing it, and losing control of what i really want out of my life and this friendship.

i said this because jealousy had been a good friend many years back. but i packed it away and never took it out till my breakup. and for a very good reason too. overtime, it had sharpened its blades on my bitter heart. overtime, it had taught me to hate. until one or two others came along and i forgot about it (it being jealousy). stuff got better. sometimes i still get messed up, sometimes i still do stupid things ... but i get along fine, and was surviving until recently.

yes - i was drowning in a truckload of shit and problems that seemed bleak and look like there was no way out. but those are ok. i mean, i can handle them or something. as compared to my emotions, that truckload of shit was more like secondary. i have no idea - but i actually got upset over him for no darn reason. not that he did anything - he didn't. i just found good reasons to get upset, and usually drive myself mad with scenarios that probably don't exist. goes to show what good imaginations i've got here.

come to think of it, (while i really hate admitting this), i may even like him.

a little.

not much.

if there is a scale, probably just a nice number - not too obsessive and certainly nothing more than just like. as in, out of what i'd like to think of as gratitude. that kind of like. it's stupid - i'm trying to reason with myself right now. but i just feel i have to although it isn't what i'd call fair.

it just sucks to the core half the time, because i seriously don't know what to do. yes, i told andrew i'm going to tell this friend i like him (or something along those lines). but i'm getting cold feet. i can't do it. my courage fails me half the time, and i'd talk about something else.

i'm scared. deep down, i am scared. although a part of my brain and heart tells me that i'd nothing to lose, i am still frightened.

i don't want to lose his friendship. i don't want to be disappointed. i don't want to feel another round of hurt and pain ... but more importantly, i don't want to hurt him.

even so, right now i think i'm already hurting him in my own selfish way, by drawing a barrier around me and refusing to let anyone in. i think i'm hurting him and everyone around me by pushing them away, pretending that everything is ok.

but the truth is nothing is.

and i don't know how to tell him. i don't know how to tell him i'm sorry.

Labels: random