one thing i learn about softball: the ball is not soft.

I guess in a way I've taken a lot of things for granted since I left home and moved into campus. I mean, most people would ... and often I feel a tinge of guilt I'd refuse to acknowledge.

:: insert big sigh ::

The last weekend proved to be one trying one, and I found myself breaking down. I had to admit, my relationship with my parents had improved a lot since last year, after 'A' Levels. I could still remember a time when I was very much a bloody brat - thinking that there was absolutely nothing wrong with half the decisions I made. Often I let my pride get in the way, and preferred to think my parents as wrong and I was right.

Yeah - I was a freaking brat, and definitely someone who deserved a good old slap to make me grow up ... but the thing was none of my parents ever did that. I guess they figured I would turn around one day, and I did, 18 years darn too late.

Looking back now, I felt extremely awful. Perhaps it was my way of pushing my limits and the thing was I probably take too far. Not as far as most people would have, but still bad enough. In a way I had been lucky. It never occured to me that relationships are bonds. Not just any bonds but fragile threads that could dwindle and break. I had seen many happening that way, and in some ways my own relationships with my various family members seemed to be heading that way.

The good thing was it never got there. Could we have foresee that day, in other people's own, and was determined not to go there? - I guess in a way, yes.

I could still remember a time of cold war in the family, follow by an uneasy truce, because of my JC education. The thing was both my parents never gave up on me, and in a way, this turned out good. I mean, if they had, I probably couldn't go anywhere. My dreams would only be shadows; my path boring; and I would be some stupid, superficial and shallow airhead mall crawler.

Back to my point after so much digression.

What I was trying to say was it took my 4 weekends to fully realise how much I had taken for granted. Life out there wasn't easy. One had to juggle time well, and I am no juggler. Imagine trying to get all your meals, do your own laundry, figure when to do something and when not to do something ... everything is really a freaking mess. And did I mention - being in 2 clubs at the same time plus a whole chunk of responsibilies - you have no idea how much I look forward to going home every Friday and Saturday.

Every week when I leave my hostel, I would leave all my books behind except for the darn important ones. And when I stepped through the front door everytime, I canfeel rising emotions, I can feel a warmth my heart had ached to feel, but had been deprived for the whole week. It was a family warmth I enjoy and look forward to. True, out there I have my friends. But friends warmth and family warmth are just different.

And always, if my parents are home, there will be this great smile that screamed, "I'm glad you're back." Even more brothers look elated, although we still have yelling matches over the 2 days. And there will always be my favourite food and warm soup. It's kind of hard out there, and for 2 days - my weekends - I have these things.

I am sure lucky!

But this weekend was ... different. I had expected everything to be the same, and my heart nearly skipped a beat when I crossed the carpark and saw both mom and dad's cars in the lots. In a way, that was my assumptions - that both parents would be home ... but no, my dad had left for Hong Kong during the week.

A cold feeling in my heart grew, and I nearly cried. I mean, I do miss my dad a lot, and I want to see him very badly. I've never felt so disappointed in my life. I could have gotten a bad grade and feel bad about it, but no! - it was the absence of my father that made me extremely upset.

Have anyone of you feel that kind of emptiness? Maybe it's childish but they were the people who had been there when nothing else could. In a way I was regretful that I had rejected them so much all these years - and when they weren't there I just cracked and break.

Maybe you don't see this. Maybe you can't feel it. A part of you have probably behaved the way I did - rejected them, hurt them, rebel against them etc. And they are just there, waiting for you to come to your senses, while loving you from afar ... Perhaps like me, you are a ghost child to them, a ghost child they tried to love, but couldn't because you didn't give them the full chance.

And it wouldn't be long, when the good old memories are just shadows in the darkness. And then later, nothing but dust.