sch sports meet - supposed to be a gd way to promote sch spirit yes? well, wrong! - at least for me. i was bored to tears. i wouldn't mind the meet if my whole class hadn't disappear. i would hav run off too... but i stayed on cos i thought i could use the time to study.

it's hard to say which is stronger - the feeling that the sports meet had been a waste of time, or not. it was, cos i ended up not doing anything. but it wasn't cos this guy who i've been hanging around with (on certain days after sch) was around. we sort of jus sat around and talked rubbish and cracked jokes... he's really sweet and somewhat conservative - not in mindset but in his actions. he's really shy and introvert.. not a very outsy kind of person from the way he talked and shared some stuff with me. i sort of like that. he spoke not to impress and i really enjoy his companionship. the stupid thing is this: i've met him since the jc 1 PAE and till now - abt 4 months now - i still don't know his name. i only nicknamed him as 'rabbit' cos he's one gd runner and has a gd stride while running.

i sat for the math test today. it's really horrible. i didn't have the confidence when solving the paper, i didn't feel that i had done a gd job and most importantly, i don't tink i'm going to pass this test. it's inevitable that one day this will happen and i'm glad it's now. not later. i can still salvage the moments... but that had been a lot of time wasted and definitely, a great disappointment to myself. i've been complacent, thinking that i could do well for math without cracking my books. right now, i tink my luck in math has run out. and i'm glad that i realised it now cos if this had been the mid-yr, prelim or the actual A lvl, it would be disastrous! i'm going to let this be the first and the last time. - never again. trust me on that.

out now.

it's been a long long time since i last posted. loads of things have happened and i'm up to my neck with work. i can't complain - after all, i'm still not drowning. yet. but the work is enough to make me wish that i could hav a few days off from sch. but the truth is, even if i decided to miss sch so that i can finish my work, i'll still hav loads to complete upon returning.



i'm not going to put everything down here. some stuff are better left unsaid but i'm going to go through certain events carefully, so that i may return to this page one day.



i'm still annoyed with mr wahub. i've been cutting his classes for 2 wks now. i didn't miss all the lessons but enough to make him notice. he hasn't said anything yet but it's only a matter of time before he gets me. but until then i won't worry. i dun see a pt going for his lessons anyway - i don't learn from there and i tink i spend a lot more time doing other things but GP.



then there is math. math is one of my better subjects in sch though i mus say i hav a lot of luck in this field but no hard work. why is this so? i dun seemed to be getting my work done for math. at all. all i ever do is to bring my empty tutorial sheet home and bring it back - still empty the next day. most of my frens are doing normal distribution and topic 26 already. my lecture group has yet to complete normal distribution; and on top of that, i haven't gotten past my poisson tutorial. i'm still somewhere in the beginning. and i hav a test tml, covering: uniform distribution, binomial distribution, poisson distribution and continuous RV... impressive huh? i tink i'll be the first on the list for re-test.



lit. another subject that i'm lagging in. i've finished reading R&G; i've completed BKC and revised TGOST and Gothic... yet... something is missing. i dun feel as confident. i've never performed higher than a D... i hope to change that, of course but i dun feel that i can make it. mayb i just need to believe.



econs. surprisingly, i'm ok with this subject at this point in time and i'm glad. i'm starting to enjoy this subject alot.



i just handed in my term assignment for BKC today to mr koh... he was like, 'forgiven'... i'm going to make sure this is going to be the last time... but i worry he isn't going to be happy with the quality of my essay. it's kinda last min work and i could barely decipher my scrawls...



i'm getting really tired... i really wan to do well... lingesh is currently my model in studies. she had done well for her A lvl and i look up to her. a lot. i'm really happy for her... i still remember how we talked abt getting thru jc2 together last yr and making it into NUS n the scholar's programme...look at her now - she is there... but where am i? - still stuck in jc2... let my trials be a lesson... let me learn... i wan to be there too as well... and i'm not gonna giv up or in to anything for that matter. i spoke to mr woolhead and mr siraj... they all wan to see me there as well... and i'd hate to disappoint them...



i saw mr penguin for the past few days. casual hi, casual wave and smile... but there is something i couldn't read in his eyes. i wish he'd sit down and talk to me... he just kept walking past... and there is MJ... he looked so happy... and i feel happy that he is happy as well... i really wonder what's going on in the guys' minds. i wish i could know. then maybe i will understand them and their feeling. i wan to be accepted by them - but first i must accept myself, yes?



and then there is this other guy... i'm not going to mention names. he's acting weird to me... and i'd like to tink of us as frens. if the feeling is mutual, then fine... but what if it isn't? i can keep saying we're just frens... i can keep pretending but how long can i deceive myself of his feelings? i dun wish to get involve with him. bel spoke abt him and i feel i couldn't trust him.. i dun wan to judge but... there is a case against him when it moves beyond friendship...



i'm now caught in these webs of emotions... i long to break away and see things as an observer. i wan to tink myself as wrong so i wun giv myself too much hope... perhaps a prayer to God can show me the way...



enough... enough of these ramblings now... it's late. to bed.