Regretfully, my family is one of those shrinking families. Eventually, CNY will be as good as staying home and watching TV till the set breaks down or something like that.

I miss those times when I was still a kid and everyone was everyone's somebody, and CNY is a time for us to compare the number of red packets and how many families we visited.

For the lot of you who had been praying fervantly for me to die some mangled death, i bring you the sad news. I'm still alive.

For the longest time, i had resist writing here because the public sphere is a rather sensitive one for me. In any case, i still sometimes feel the urge to be that narcissistic self and scribble something here. So.

My career isn't taking off. I'm dying in the hands of 30 7-year-olds. I feel demented every evening when i get home. And seriously, i don't want to get things done sometimes. But i keep urging myself this is, but, part and parcel of life and i'd better get used to this. Then again, i am frustrated because of the lack of job satisfaction in some areas. I could pretend i don't care. But deep down i do. I'm not seeking for eternal approval, by the way. And certainly, recognition is the last thing on my mind.

So i'm whining. Because i cannot comprehend why i'm run by KPIs and EPMS and the likes.

I realised I havent posted here in the longest time. Ever since I started work, the inclination to write here was even less because google is such a powerful tool, and the last thing I really want: some nosey people who stumble here.

So, I'm posting on LJ for now. password, please ask ok? :D

i'm dying to own a pair of Doc. Martens.

baby pink, deep brown or maroon sounds good.

i will pair them with my lolita dresses, tights and cuffs. and probably get a couple of eggs thrown at me.

but hey! if converse goes, why not?

oh. and i'm eyeing rocking horse shoes again. maybe a red pair this time?

sometimes i think i had made a wrong choice and picked the wrong career from the very start.

but it's the few that makes my time worthwhile.

i think hawase got somewhat lost along the alantic ocean.

it's hard when you're in too deep.

i found myself yearning for the most ridiculous things. i'm not that strong after all.

1. I’ve come to realize that my hair:
will reach mid-back if i iron the whole mass flat. unfortunately, i like my curls better!

2. I’ve come to realize that when I talk:
i'm dead good at sporting nonsense and giggling to myself (and everyone will wonder why!)

4. I’ve come to realize that all I really need:
is a whole honeydew (yes, one whole fruit) and i can be happy the whole day!

5. I’ve come to realize that I’ve lost:
a lot of wispy-thin-dunno-what kind of dreams... but that's ok. we lost some, we win some.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when:
people give me the odd eye when i wear "odd" or my frilly dresses. makes me wanna stuff my shoes down their throats or something,

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk:
my yak button will be on level 10... and there's no turning it down!

8. I’ve come to realize that money:
is hard to come by now that i'm working. it's never enough!

9. I’ve come to realize that when I get old:
i just want to fulfil half of the dreams i never did when i was younger... even if it's just experiencing it for a day.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always be:
that girl that walks into things...

11. I’ve come to realize that I have a crush on:
my man. i still get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of him. :)

12. I’ve come to realize that the last time I cried was:
on sunday 13 sept. tried to hold back my tears like 7495879387529846 times, and finally cried out loud when my mommy held my hand and said it's ok to be upset and angry.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone:
is very badly bashed up because i dropped it like some 879584976798342 times.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:
*grumblegrumblegrumblegrumble* oh wait. why am i upset??? i'm seeing children today!! :D

15. I’ve come to realize that before I go to sleep at night I:
brush my hair, put away my glasses, snuggle down my warm blankets and comforters, hug my teddy bear and kiss him goodnight. :)

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
ginger cookies. nice nice ginger cookies. yum yum!

17. I’ve come to realize that my life:
is like a major piece of improvised drama... i never know where the story will go!

18. I’ve come to realize that my favourite drink is:
tea... and no sugar please!

19. I’ve come to realize that today:
is a tuesday, and tomorrow is a wednesday. hah... i'm starting to lack imagination nowadays.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight I will:
do exactly the same thing i do everynight -- play DS, watch TV, set my alarm to wake at 3am in the morning, and probably sneak off to eat some midnight snack before going to bed.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow I will:
spend the whole day teaching maths and spend the evening playing monkey with ryan and chloe! XD and i will still watch my TV at night and hear my mom comment how much i look like someone on TV...

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to:
travel -- the maldives, greece, middle east. exotic places pls!!

23. I’ve come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is:
probably some random meme lover

24.I’ve come to realize relationships are:
tough work. it really takes a lot of effort to make something work... and the work is all worth it because the other half is worth all the trouble and sacrifices!

25. I’ve come to realize that love:
is a funny little bubble :)

26. I’ve come to realize my best guy friend(s):
27. I’ve come to realize my best girl friend(s):
hmm... how do i describe them??... even if the dictionary is going to run for millions of pages... i doubt they can never describe my feelings for these special people!!

28. I’ve come to realize food is:
necessary. i have stopped my crazy non-stop snacking... because i just don't have time to enjoy the snacks!!

29: I’ve come to realize that this summer:
passes fast... too fast!

30. I’ve come to realize heartbreak is:
something that will never heal completely. but the pain goes away eventually and numbs overtime, and the memories become a story, a part of our lives.

31. I’ve come to realize that the last person i liked:
taught me a very important lesson in life... a tough and painful lesson, but necessary because i would never understand myself without him.

32.I’ve come to realize that my brothers:
are very creative and funny and i need them in my life because they are people who matter.

33. I’ve come to realize that crying:
is a terrible weapon.

34. I’ve come to realize that death:
is something i do not fully understand.

35. I’ve come to realize that if I’m sick:
i sleep a lot. like a hell lot!

36. I’ve come to realize when I’m bored:
i doodle and make up funny stories in my head.

Life is cruel.

it is getting harder for me to go to sleep at night.

just last night, i spent a good 2 or 3 hours staring at the ceiling. i had gone to bed at 11pm and i was still awake at 2am. my body was screaming for rest but the more i willed myself to let go and sleep, the more awake i was.

i don't know what is keeping me up. but i know that if this keeps up, i will break again because my body can no longer go on without that rest it has demanded since the beginning.

I tried paying my brother $50 to help me do my data entry. He asked for $40 if I let him work from home and $50 if I let him work on site.

I can't possibily let him come into my school so the latter don't count.

Dead good deal.

I haven't died. I just haven't written much here because I realise the joy of privacy LJ can provide for specific entries.

I really miss that kind of privacy.

Beth was gorgeous. I didn't get Baby in the end.

Emotionally, this week is a wreck. But that's ok. Things always get better in the end.